Crushed
by xo-Emmazine
Summary: I love her. My laugh echoed bitterly in the treetops. There was no use. Edward/Bella. Inspired by Teddy Geiger's song Crushed. Edward's thoughts after leaving Bella in New Moon.


All the clocks had stopped telling time.

Snowflakes fell down upon my face gently from the sky, all the while making my body ache. They were cool to the touch, and for some reason, it reminded me of Bella. I may not have been in Forks, and it may not have been rain; but it was close enough, and my thoughts were brought to her.

Forever my last memory would be of the hurt that had encompassed her beautiful face, and how I would never see her again. I would never allow myself, ever. Even now though, I dreamed of going back to her, to feel the warmth of her body against my arms, the thought was almost enough to make me run back to her. Almost.

I couldn't just… _go back_. She had probably moved on, she was probably happy with someone else. There was an endless amount of possibilities, she wouldn't want me anyways, and I know I had destroyed her, but it's for the best. I know it is.

She can finally _live_; she doesn't have to worry about death being a factor in day to day activities. She deserved so much better than me, and I had just wanted the best for her. I had to stop myself from being so _selfish_, she needed to live a normal life, as if I never existed. The way it should be.

She deserved a nice, human boy; someone that could give her a hug that wasn't cold, and a life that wasn't going to send her straight to hell. The thought of her with another person made my fingers grab tightly at the ground, taking chunks out of the earth's surface. I couldn't bear the thought, but I know she deserves to be with someone that isn't me. I could only hope that she could move on quickly enough and forget about me. Pain shot through my body. She would be forgetting me.

I wanted her. I wanted to be with her. I knew that she loved me, and it was hard to imagine. It was wrong though. We have no souls; we're going straight to hell when we die, or whatever it is that we do. I wasn't just going to do that to her. That was why I didn't change her, and she knew it. She just couldn't understand my position, I couldn't just do that to her. I could never do that to my sweet Bella.

That's why it had come down to the other alternative. I had to do it, even if it meant killing both of us inside. This wasn't healthy. Were you supposed to love someone so much? So much until your body ached and that your mind was being ripped to shreds by not being around them? It wasn't fair.

It had been so hard to just lie to her. I couldn't believe that she had believed me. I was trying so hard to not choke on my words. I could lie to anyone, but I couldn't to her, she was so… amazing. Yet somehow she had been able to believe the lie. Sometimes the best part of believe is the lie. How could she not know that was a lie?

I couldn't stop thinking of her. I would close my eyes and see her face, perfect in my mind. I could see the red blush that would slowly creep up her face when I touched her, the curve of her lips turning into a smile. And I could almost hear her heart sputter violently when I would hug her. I could hear her voice dripping with sarcasm. The sarcasm that I just couldn't resist and that never failed to bring a smile to my face. She was amazing. I missed everything. I would give absolutely anything just to hear her say my name. Her voice was like the sweetest music in the world. I could see her brown curls, an unruly mess from sleep as she sat up in her bed with a smile. I missed her so much. I needed her in my life.

But I can't have her. I won't.

They all hated me for what I had done, too. Even Rosalie. That's why I had fled their company, I couldn't stand the thoughts. They were dripping with sympathy for poor Edward. I didn't need their pity, their anything. I would be perfectly find on my own to mourn my own stupidity. I needed to stop, but I couldn't. I could almost see Bella lying next to me. Almost taste her scent on my lips.

But I couldn't breathe when she was around, literally. It was a continuous risk to her life; I couldn't just put her in that jeopardy.

My mind had broken off into two different people. The person that wanted her so badly, the person that wanted to keep her, hold her, and make sure she never left. Never. And then there was the person that I had become. The person that wanted the best for her, even if it meant leaving and never coming back. I would do anything for her, even if it meant leaving to make sure she was safe.

I love her. My laugh echoed bitterly in the treetops. There was no use. I can't take it anymore.

I was crushed.


End file.
